oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
