So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
