No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I look excited, but its just a facade.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize