highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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