she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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