saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
