Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Randomize
