I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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