I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
