y did u give ur computer a hand job?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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