Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
