eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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