I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
