FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
