Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
