woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
