i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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