p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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