I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
