I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
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