Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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