Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize
