Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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