If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Just invented taco cereal.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize