You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
