I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize