i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
