now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Houston, we have a blender
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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