How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Randomize
