i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
