Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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