I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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