he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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