I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize