don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
These tits shall not be calmed
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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