Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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