dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
