oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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