had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
