The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize