I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
