Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
