My pussy is not your playground.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
