I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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