Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Randomize
