I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
