Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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