I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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