they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
This is classic penis vs brain.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize