Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
