I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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