Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
