I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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